- Don't appear to be gay
- People think they're dating or with this girl/guy
This is how I view myself sans-beard:
Underneath my brown hair, is blonde hair.
And underneath my non-beard, is a pelage of coarse hair that bears and even hairy crabs envy.I can drum on at a rapid pace for hours and I can write lyrics that use the words "destroy" and "Mjolnir" without feeling remorseful. Because the last thing I am is remorseful. (Ghey!)
These possesions of which I speak are my true nature. MY NORDIC NATURE.
In Short, I can do the variety of Cookie Monster-esque voices that are oft-associated with Death Metal, Black Metal and Neo-Metal. I have also learned to to that Emocore screaming (albeit only one note. although i suppose there doesn't have to be more than one note) thats made a few kids with terrible acne make some bank in the Jeffersons and Eisenhowers.
But here is my problem. As brought up by Conor, its too late in our lives to dye our hair and whatnot. We're past the time when we can do these things with teenageawkwardawesome disregard for our appearance. Although I defiantly did try out some of those things (ie. Jncos)
Thusly, thoughtwroughtly and perpendicularly, I cannot look cool and be a metal singer. I just can't. No matter how much I practice (in my car, alone, on empty roads) I will never look cool/be able to perform without genuine and just mockery of me, a doofus, able to act Nordic, sound Nordic, but not look Nordic.Maybe I can grow a beard, get blonde hair and bulk up like the singer of Amon Amarth, Johan Hegg.
Or not. I'm pretty sure that I'd attract the vixens you'd expect to drink Budweiser and say that "Mah Daddy is the only man in my life".
I'd have to say my last problem with this issue is that ANYONE CAN WRITE METAL LYRICS.
A N Y O N E
example: Metal Heart by Dimmu Borgir. A song about your metal heart. Oh, and how death is immenent.
Here's an experiment. Find your Mad Libs book that is probably still in the family car since thats the only place people actually use those things.
Forget the blanks for now. Just write out the words as they are. If there are any names, replace with "Satan" or "Odin" or "Gorgons". If there are any places, replace them with "Hell" and most likely, since this is Norse myth we're talking about, "Ragnarök". Adjust other words to relate to who your talking about and so things make sense. Then fill in the blanks with the same set of parameters.
Oh, make sure you include at least one cuss word. For some reason Metal lyricists don't like to swear as much as rappers. From "penguingroup.com" I took this Mad Lib about Copernicus and I made my edits. Here is what I came up with:
Copernicus
___ universe. They thought that the earth was the
center of the entire ___ and that the sun and all of the
___ revolved around it. But then a/an
___ named Copernicus discovered the truth.
The earth revolves around the ___
___ times a year.
Copernicus, whose last name was ___, was born
in Warsaw, and he used one of the first ___
telescopes, which was invented by ___.
This primitive telescope was little more than two pieces of
___ stuck on each end of a/an ___.
In 1600 an Italian ___ named Galileo
expanded Copernicus's ___ theories, but during the
Inquisition in Italy he was ___ arrested. After
___ for six months in jail, Galileo was
forced to ___.
My version goes as follows:
Thor's Uprising
Four hundred years ago people knew little about our
FUCKING universe. They thought that the earth was the
center of the entire UNIVERSE and that the sun and all of the
PITIFUL HUMANS revolved around it. But then a GOD
named THOR discovered the truth.
The FROZEN earth revolves around the RAGNARÖK.
THOR, whose last name was MIGHTY, was born
in FIRE, and he used one of the first
LEGENDARY HAMMERS, which was invented by ODIN.
This LEGENDARY HAMMER was little more than two pieces of
MOLTEN ROCK stuck on each end of a REDWOOD
In 600 BC a DEMON named SATAN
SPREAD THOR'S theories, but during the
Inquisition in HELL he was MADE KING. After
six months in HELL, SATAN was
forced to KILL EVERYONE.
And there you go! No real need of Norse Mythology knowledge. Just know some names and channel the darkess within, or something. Also, remember that this isn't a poem, its a TRAGIC DEATH BALLAD.
Well, Thats really about it. I want to do metal because its in my nature. I'll just have to keep practicing in my car when my metal music comes on. BTW, its kinda fun to do that with Bob Dylan as well.
YOU ALL NOW CAN BE A PART OF THE "HISTORIC ORANGE!" CLUB. NO MONEY NEEDED TO BECOME A MEMBER. WE LOVE FREE TURKEY DINNERS. HAM IS OK BUT ONLY A SUBSTITUTE ONCE. GET YOUR FREE OFFICIAL SEAL OF APPROVAL OF MEMBERSHIP TO THIS PRESTIGIOUS CLUB-OF-SORTS.or you can start your own fucking club. assholes. ¶ 9/01/2006 11:17:00 AM 0 comments